CROWN

You walk around like everything is in control
Favor come with favors and you can't say no
Go out the way to make the coin available
That's what I call love

What a wondrous feeling it must be to be loved for simply existing. You find it hard to feel this way outside of your biological family. You think society ingrains the idea that men are supposed to be providers, and you think men have interpreted that to mean financial providers. It doesn’t have to be this way, but many men are okay with that; you thought you were too. Relative to your peers, You’ve been well off since I was 18, and so you naturally assumed this preordained role. In college, that means you are called on if someone needs a loan or maybe some free food. The expectations don’t change after you graduate; they grow. The sums become larger. At first, it was exciting; you feel like you’re helping your friends and doing what men are supposed to do! However, you realize that oftentimes men aren’t doing this out of goodwill. Providing financially is used to manipulate, gain favors, and other power over others. Being manipulative is such an acquired taste. This isn’t you, so instead of using it as leverage, you’ll give the people what they want and simply grow more fed up in silence. Sure there will be appreciatory messages as the funds are delivered, but that temporary high you get off receiving thanks grow shorter and shorter as time passes, until one day, there is no more high, only discontent. It doesn’t help you work for a company that supplies almost half the smartphones in the country, and you are also provided with discounts. You get to the point that you assume every call is a favor and begin simply ignoring everyone’s calls. You’ll begin to dread every “Hey, how are you?” because they aren’t truly check-ins; they’re just a formality for the incoming favor. It can all be communicated through text anyway.

Your own verse Crown may look something like this.

You live to provide for everyone else except yourself

You’ll stare at yourself, dare yourself to care for yourself

But why cherish yourself? they only cherish thy wealth

That’s what I call love

You’ll begin using silence as a way to decline favors. You’ll see how those “friendships” deteriorate. Maybe they weren’t friendships in the first place? What is a friendship?

But the time it'll come (But the time it'll come)
To not be there when somebody needs you (When somebody needs you)
You say no and all you've done gives them amnesia (They don't remember)
One thing I've learned, love can change with the seasons

Eventually, you’ll have one of your biennial public outbursts. It will be directed at a friend, but in actuality, it’s directed at yourself. You’re yelling at yourself. You’ll bring up that you can count on one hand the times your friends have taken you out for anything and paid in over the past 6 years. There are probably a hundred instances of the inverse. Yet the truth is, Have you ever vocalized any of this before? Have you given them any opportunity to do anything for you? Or have you expected people to read your mind? You’re no victim, except to your own weak boundaries and silence. You’ve allowed this to happen to yourself.

You’ll reflect on relationships. You’ll critique a dating culture where men are expected to court and chase, but only once dating will any reciprocity be shown. You’ll wonder why you can’t be taken out as you get to know another person. Even with the most progressive of people you’ve gone on dates with, the most they will do is split the bill. Why are you less deserving of being courted? You’ll wonder if people want equity or what’s convenient to them. The more you accumulate, the more skeptical you get of others.

Lookin' out my Benz window
Wonder where'd my friends all go
Scared to give my heart to this girl
Paranoid she gon' leave if my ends get low

Ultimately, what upsets you is that you don’t know who you can trust to take care of you even if you’ve been taking care of them. You’ll realize it’s not about matching dollar for dollar; it’s about matching time and effort. You’ll also know it’ll be up to you to set these expectations in your personal life, manage your discontent, and uphold your boundaries. Things don’t have to be this way; you can create the life you desire.

Who knows, maybe some people can meet those expectations, but for now, you’ll have every material possession you’ve wanted, been to wherever in the world you’ve pleased, and yet you'll sit in a room writing this, wondering who you can trust. Money can't buy it all.

I can't please everybody (I can't please everybody)
I can't please everybody (I can't please everybody)
Love gon' get you killed (Love gon' get you killed)
Uh, I can't please everybody (I can't please everybody)
Uh, I can't even please myself (I can't even please myself)
Uh, I thought a new car would help (I thought a new car would help)
Uh, but when that new car get old (But when that new car get old)
Uh, I'm sure to want something else, I-I-I