“Keep That Shit Playa!”

“You gotta learn to keep that shit playa!”

In typical 311 Boyz( A nickname for the residents of Wildcat Commons Building 2, Floor 3, Room 311) fashion, the night had been filled with the perfect trifecta; Madden, Spades, and liquor. As the liquor settled in, the vulnerability began to seep into the conversation. Only under the influence and in the thick of the night did we as men feel comfortable to openly discuss love interests, family, life after the Valley, and any other fears that filled our minds. At one point in the night, we were talking about women we were interested in talking to and how to handle potential rejection. Asynchronously, we all gave our 2 cents, and of course, when I decided it was my turn to participate I yelled “You gotta learn to keep that shit playa!”.

“Watcha mean nigga?”, a homie shot back. “If you know you know, you either playa or you not”, I shrugged and responded. Thankfully, in our drunken states, attention spans were shortened to the point that there was no further pushback. Truthfully I didn’t have a good answer to what it meant to “keep that shit playa". I just knew it sounded fye and it was wisdom that had been imparted to me by one of my OGs months earlier during a similar conversation. When I first heard the phrase, I had a similar reaction, and when I asked for clarification, I was told I was more than capable of figuring it out. The ambiguity of the phrase drove me nuts but also added to its’ mystique. The phrase was what you made it. You see in college a lot of what men learn is through osmosis, hearing a homie or OG say something and it just sticks for whatever reason. The phrase just stuck, so while I couldn’t actually fully explain what it meant to be “playa” or how to “keep shit playa”, I figured that if I repeated what I was told my homies could figure out what it meant.

The thing about the Valley was that it was small enough that nobody’s business was truly just their business. Amongst men, we knew who was getting play and who wasn’t. The OG who first imparted the saying to me put the “play” in playa and had there been a leaderboard of who was getting the most play he would have ranked near top. I assumed being a playa meant you got a lot a play and “keepin’ shit playa” was how he got his play, thus, I came to the conclusion that to “keep that shit playa” or “keepin’ it playa” was to never have your heart fully invested in situations or appear to be rattled by anything, especially in dealings with women because that’s how I thought my OG moved. With playa defined, I began to process events as playa or not playa. Pretendin’ not to be heartbroken even if you were, playa. Sayin’ that you really missed a woman, not playa. Nonchalant attitudes towards women, playa. Putting your all into a woman you’re pursuing, not playa. Though I wasn’t confident enough to give the homies this definition that night, they had to figure out their own definition.

I wasn’t really involved myself in relationships nor situationships in the Valley so it wouldn’t be until a few years later that I realized that I had mischaracterized how my OG moved and that my definition of playa was completely off-base.

I remember catchin’ up with my OG after he graduated, and he was talking about how his relationship with his girl had ended. The biggest takeaways I gathered throughout our conversation were that his feelings were hurt but more importantly, he clearly communicated with her how he felt and his expectations. When those expectations weren’t matched, it ended. He knew he couldn’t control her or her actions, and he accepted that. The conversation had taken me aback because this wasn’t how I anticipated a playa to handle the situation. It was then that I realized that this is what he meant years before when he said to “keep that shit playa”. If are keepin’ shit playa, you have clearly communicated your position and are accepting the outcomes you can’t control.

Keepin’ shit playa or being playa, ain’t about baggin’ the most women, gettin’ the most play, or being the most emotionless. Truthfully, it’s not even gendered. Anybody can be playa. It’s a way of life. People who are clear communicators, and focus on controlling only what they can control generally do better than those who cannot, would woulda thought?

Enlightened, I redefined these terms:

Playa - A person who effectively communicates, controls what they can control, and accepts what others decide to do without compromising their own integrity.

Keepin’ that shit playa(and similar variations) - Accepting the situation for what it is and adjusting accordingly.

As someone who has an anxious attachment style and is a well-known sore loser, these definitions at times are an inverse of how I want to handle certain situations. At times, I’ve been guilty of trying to manipulate people or situations to tilt outcomes in my favor, and at times, I’m not a clear or effective communicator. Therefore, I started using these definitions as a guide to how I aspire to live daily. Oftentimes, I am anxious to have difficult conversations and will end up procrastinating on these conversations. There are times when things happen that are out of my control, and I want to shut down. There are times when I really want something to happen and I want to manipulate the situation into my favor. However, at the end of the day, I understand that it isn’t the right thing to do, and it definitely ain’t playa. Knowing this doesn’t always make it easy though. Ultimately, I strive to be playa every day and like any other human, I fall short some days. What matters is that I know what I’m working towards and getting better each day.

Always remember, the game is filthy but ya gotta learn to keep that shit playa!