Me, Myself & I

First and foremost, rest in peace, Young Dolph. A father, husband, son, artist, and philanthropist took too soon over foolishness from this world. Life can be so unforgiving.

There is no secret I love music; I listen to so much music that at any moment, I can probably recite a song lyric that describes my exact feelings in that very moment.

The day before Big Sean’s album, Dark Sky Paradise, dropped in 2015, Sean released a freestyle over Beyonce’s iconic song, Me, Myself, and I. The freestyle is still in my rotation to this day. Throughout the entirety of the freestyle, Sean essentially reflects on life and evolution up to this point.

Each day like clockwork, social media forces me to reflect on my life. Snapchat and Facebook remind you about what memories you created on the present day in years past. Google Timelines provides your exact route for any given day. If you are using an iPhone, your gallery widget provides a new set of photos from your camera roll to review each day.

For example here are the memories I see today:

I do not delete any memories, good or bad. Different memories evoke different feelings. Yet, I roll with the punches. I am not sure if this is the healthiest thing to do, and maybe sometime in the future, I will change my habits, but presently anything is liable to appear on these daily reminders from technology.

On many days, I find myself listening to Sean’s freestyle upon reviewing the memories. One of my favorite bars from Sean is when he talks about his growth over the past year.

I'm like "Aw, man. Here we go"
I'm not the same man I was a year ago
I learned that life could be a merry-go
Moving at a stand still is the scenario

I love this bar because it packs in two truths, the person we are today is not the same person we were a year ago, and life will continue with or without you. You cannot change the past, but I constantly find myself dwelling on my shortcomings and faults. I often tell myself that things would have played out differently if I knew then what I know now. Failure has taught me more about myself than any amount of success has. However, a byproduct of this has been a constant urge to forego any personal celebration. I am always focused on what I could have done better.

My sincere belief that I can solve any problem has been a double-edged sword. On one hand, it motivates me to help others and pursue solving issues I am passionate about, but on another, it drives me to try to fix things out of my control and not ask for help. The former is particularly true in relationships as I reflect on my relationships with others. As an engineer, technical problems almost always have a solution; intrapersonal relationships do not follow those same guidelines. Over the past year, I have learned that you cannot change people who do not want to be changed. They have to want to change. You cannot solve their problems or make them see an issue a certain way if they are not interested. I have also realized it is not my job to “fix” anyone. If something about a person bothers me, I can redefine my relationship with that person. People’s preferences are their right; they do not have to take your opinion into account. Deep down, I have always known these realities but refused to accept them.

I continue to struggle with the idea of letting go. When you think you can solve anything, letting go of something is the last thing you want to do. It also helps explain why I hold onto everything. Even when the realities of a situation begin to set in, I often find myself wanting to put it on the backburner. A dream deferred is not a dream denied. Deep down, when I reflect on most of my failures, I hope for an opportunity to rectify them down the road. I know it is not feasible, but still, I hopelessly dream.

As I reflect on where I was last December, there is no way I would have predicted myself to be on my current trajectory. I was confident that I would still be pursuing relationships that did not pan out and milestones I did not think I could reach that I have exceeded. I am practicing letting go of some unrealistic expectations I hold for myself and others. I am practicing accepting other people’s preferences and opinions while controlling the things I can control, like the boundaries of my relationships with others. Life has constantly shown me that there is no certainty in life besides death. It has been a year full of ups and downs. As I go into 2022, I am excited to see where life takes me. Unlike the past December, I am less sure of what the next year will look like exactly. Although I am working hard for things to bend in specific directions, my work alone will not be enough to make it happen. I hope to forgive myself for many of my mistakes while holding myself accountable for my growth. This year will be full of surprises that I hope to be able to share with you all.

For now, all I can tell you is that “I am not the same man I was a year ago.”