Time Heals, Just Not Quick Enough
As I said in the beginning, when I envisioned creating this site, I wanted the site to ooze out authenticity and provide people a real glimpse into my life. Social media makes it easy to suppress authenticity. I’ll be honest: I am initially uncomfortable sharing many of these stories and reflections because nobody is putting their business out here on the Internet. As time passes, I am becoming more comfortable sharing my truth and letting go.
However, I want you all to remember that every coin has two sides. My truth does not necessarily mean it is the ground truth. This is particularly true when I tell stories that involve other people.
Anywho it is storytime. I technically only have dated two women in my lifetime, and both broke up with me. I definitely hold an outsized portion of the blame in these relationship failings, so I don’t feel bad for ya boy. I have always prided myself in being selective about who I decide to jump into relationships with. This selectively leads me to be deeply committed to making things work even when the writing is on the wall because I have poured a lot into the relationship. I talked about my inability to let go in my previous article. Relationships are where this inability shines its brightest. It also helps explain why I have never had a conversation with either woman since we broke up. This KYLE lyric pretty much sums up a portion of my dating life.
I once had a close friendship that flirted on the boundaries between platonic and romantic. An entanglement, you may say.
Truth be told, I never actually cared if we dated or not. Our friendship was worth more than anything to me, so I assumed we would always find a way to be cool. Until one day, I just never heard from her again. I wasn’t sure what had happened or what I had done precisely. Since we had been friends for years, I suspected that eventually, the day would come where I would get told what I did wrong or why we weren’t communicating anymore. That day never came.
It was one of the hardest things I have had ever dealt with because I had been blessed with relationships, platonic and romantic, that had ended with both parties clear on why. I had never navigated being “ghosted.”
In fact, if I were to rank this friendship with my two relationships by the length of time it took to “get over.” The list would go in the following order.
First relationship
This friendship
Second relationship
As it became more and more evident that I would never receive any closure, I began to dive into the realm of self-care, relationships, masculinity, and therapy. One of my favorite NYTimes articles ever comes from a 2019 Modern Love Essay Contest. "Why Can’t Men Say ‘I Love You’ to Each Other?" resonated with me because it discussed the taboo of masculinity and how it influences our relationships with other men. Similarly, I feel self-care and therapy are taboo in the men’s community due to various factors. Yet, I dove into the realm because it felt like I had no other choice. I wanted the pain to ease, and I am not built to resort to drugs and alcohol to constantly numb the pain. I’d rather face it head-on.
As time has passed, I have learned a lot about myself and how I perceive the world, and in turn, much of my Instagram feed has gone from sports and shoes to self-care, sports, and shoes. Currently, my saved posts are filled with content like such:
If I had to pick a favorite page across all my social media platforms, it would go to Nedra Tawwab on Instagram. Nedra is a therapist, NYTimes best-selling author, and relationship expert who helps people create healthy relationships. (I copied that verbatim from her site; go check it out!) Her content always resonates with me, and I have admired how she engages with her followers.
At the beginning of this year, I took a leap of faith and had the opportunity to join the launch team for her book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.” It was essentially a book club. It allowed me early access to the book and private sessions with Nedra to discuss our takeaways with other ambassadors. Of the 80+ ambassadors, there were only 3 men, which I found extremely telling and validated my experience navigating masculinity. Discussion of emotions, traumas, triggers, and other areas of self-exploration was completely new territory. I found everything about the experience eye-opening. The book itself will land on my personal Top Ten Books of 2021 list that I will share in the coming weeks.
As I’ve worked on healing, Nedra seems to always drop content that resonates with me. One of my favorite posts from her that I still struggle with accepting is this one.
Honestly, as I have progressed down a path of self-discovery, I am constantly reminded of just how far I have to go. Truthfully, it is a never-ending journey. I have failed a relationship and made countless mistakes, even with my newfound knowledge. I have accepted that I cannot control what others do, but it doesn’t mean it hurts less. I have accepted that there are relationships and people I will never fully get over, and I will just have to learn to live with the outcomes.
One thing is for sure though, Time Heals, Just Not Quick Enough.
